Trifles

rat2002 @ 2007-05-10T22:00:00

2007-05-11T03:01:47Z

I am still alive, barely. Very very tired. Very very cranky. The boy is driving me insane. The girl is starting to become more aware of the human rights violations her brother is constantly committing towards her.

Why oh why did God create the terrible twos???

I am still here!!!

2007-01-08T20:34:47Z

I kind of lost LJ for a while. The computer was in a not so kid-friendly place and I just wasn't logging on for a long time. So, since my last post in October...

Emilie Agnes was born on October 25th.

uhm.... what else? I started working in the evening again in late November. Christmas happened and for the first time we hosted the dinner at our house, and we painted the living room and kitchen and bought a new couch.

Wow, exciting stuff. Sigh.

rat2002 @ 2006-10-01T09:16:00

2006-10-01T14:16:03Z

21 days...

Was it this uncomfortable last time?

On the bright side, I got a Doula!!! (A woman trained in labour support). Luc really didn't do so well when Roland was born, and I want this birthing experience to be nicer. I know it wont be perfect or completely as planned, but at least I am going into it with more knowledge and empowerment than last time.

What really disappointed me last time was the nurses, I trusted them to do what was best and be a good patient, and I really felt let down. In hindsight I can see that most of the decisions they made were to make their job easier. With a Doula who can be an advocate on my behalf, I feel a lot more confident that I won't be snowballed into anything I don't want to do.

Cutting Clutter

2006-09-14T09:21:46Z

Here I am awake at 4 am, alternating between surfing the net and rooting through my comic collection. I’ve decided to sell most of them. (The comics not the net though I bet the net would fetch a better price.) Is this something I am going to regret in the future? I doubt it. I sold the bulk of my book collection that I’d acquired while working at the bookstore years ago, and I don’t regret that- usually. My taste in literature has changed quite a bit through the years and seems to keep changing without making any detours back to where it once was.

This is a good thing. Sometimes I hold onto things for the wrong reason, not realizing that it isn’t the thing that I am attached to, but the memory, and I have to remind myself that the memory exists independent of the material object.

Get a life

2006-09-09T02:19:00Z

Wow, it is Friday night yet again. Time is slipping away so quickly that I seem to blink and another week is past. I have 44 days (according to my spiffy new pregnancy ticker) left of being pregnant and I am so looking forward to it being over.

Roland has been a lot of fun lately (not sarcasm). There are times I love being a mom and times I just want to rest, but I am happy that the times I love it out way the tiredness most days.

I have been thinking lately (wow what a shocker) about what it means to have a life. As in – get a life. Well, it is the little moments that make life have meaning. I often feel that I have not done much in the time I have lived, that I have not learned any great lessons, and that I have not affected the world around me to any great extent. What does it take to matter, and what does that even mean? There are not a lot of people who know who I am, I have not become a ‘real writer’, I have not changed the world. But then who would I want to be? Why can’t I just be content being me?

But then, maybe I am… at least to a certain extent.

And another one bites the dust.

2006-08-23T22:57:39Z

In responce to a comment from a friend who thinks I am jinxed

I did not kill SG-1. Honestly. It was already dying when I found it.

So what if everything I watch tends to get canceled right after I start watching it. So what if every club I join suddenly changes directors or fizzles after I join.

I'm just drawn to things entering their palliative care stage...

Life is what passes you by while you're busy doing other things....

2006-08-20T22:35:43Z

I am so bored with myself. Why? Because I complain too much. I really have it pretty good here being me, but i just can't seem to become the kind of person that I want to be. So what do i want to be? Anything but me... no. I generally like myself.

So what is it then?

I'm not doing the things that I should be doing, the things that I promised myself that I would do. The things that I promised myself that I would accomplish. That is the problem. Here I am waiting for the time to come to start doing something while all this time that I could be doing that something is passing by.

I still feel young, and I feel like I have all the time in the world to accomplish what I want to do. But I don't have all the time in the world, I only have a lifetime, and who is to say how long that will be. If I die tomorrow what will I regret most? I will regret not using my time more purposely.

By that I don't mean purposely working at becoming successful, because who is to say what success is? I don't see success as who collects the greatest amount of money at the end of the game. I like not being busy. I don't like rushing. But I wish that I could enjoy more of my time. That is what I think I would regret most if I died tomorrow. Savouring life.

rant. rant. rant.

2006-06-21T04:14:53Z

So, I'm thinking, what's up with this recent obsession of mine? Yes, I've been into different fandoms over the years, and i get obsessed with characters quite easily (thank god it's not the actors themselves I get obsessed with cause then I'd have some restraining orders against me I think). And so I feed this obsession with a strange little thing called fanfic in which other obsessed people write good or crappy stories about said character.

Lately it's getting a bit silly with how much fanfic I have been reading, yes there is some good stuff out there by some very talented writers, but there is also a lot of crap, and when it comes down to it just how important is this stuff anyhow? Not very important. Not at all important actually. So why do I waste (yes waste, because I would say the same for the actual watching of said tv show and any other show or movie or whatever that just numbs the brain to pass the time)... but then I just answered my own question didn't I? Some people have alcohol, (which due to circumstances at the moment is not an option for me and I can't stand the hangovers anymore anyhow), apparently i have obsessively reading fanfic.

So what am i escaping from? I don't think I want to think anymore. I want something I don't have so desperately that not having it makes me want to scream. The best alternative is to go numb. Read, watch tv, pretend it doesn't exist and fill up as much time in between as possible.

So, what to do to stop this. There is a Tarot card that comes to mind, the tipped over cups, can't remember the number, but think it might be five because five is an unbalanced number. Anyhow I am concentrating on what I don't have rather than on what I do.

Must contemplate this for a while I think.

blah.

2006-06-06T22:39:13Z

here I am back again. Life is strange. I am 20 weeks pregnant. My ultrasound is tomorrow (don't ask the sex, they wont tell me). And i feel completely alone. I find it incredibly lonely to be at home with a 18 month old, and though there are others in the area that I could probably get together with, I just don't know how to reach out and get to know them. sigh. I don't think being in winnipeg would be much different. I don't know what I want. I want Luc to spend more time at home and less time fishing or gardening. ugh. As much as I love spending time with Roland, I would love it more if I had more time away. I just want to scream.

And so it goes....

2006-04-07T00:04:55Z

This journal is taking a break. I am taking a break. I don't know if I will return. Probably not. Bye all!!!

5 year plan

2006-03-09T01:03:51Z

In five years I want to...

Work as a teacher aid in Morris (once both kids are in kindergarten)

weigh 130 pounds

redecorate the house

take family vacations

have less than $1000 debt at any one time (not including house)

Right now I am...

Stay at home mom

weigh 170 pounds

in the midst of decorating after construction last year

limiting vacations to summer trips to Quebec or camping in Manitoba

have $20,000 debt (not including house)

In life...

2006-03-06T19:25:45Z

questions....
what is important.
what am I doing here.
what can I do to make a difference.
what kind of difference do I want to make.

It's kind of funny, but I am feeling very introspective at the moment. I can't shake the feeling that there is something more that I should be doing. Not that raising a child is unimportant. It is the most important job a parent has. But raising children is not everything. Our job is to teach them how to be adults so that they can move away and make children of their own. It is a temporary job, and so as a parent I think it is important to do something more than raise your child.

I always used to think that my purpose in life was to write. I have not written anything readable in a long time. The urge to write has been returning to me though. I am constantly at the computer (a laptop placed strategically out of reach of the monkey baby), or writing in a note book. I have been stirring up stories again, though nothing definite. Just stirring the pot.

Damn, but it good to feel this kind of passion for writing again. I was afraid that I had lost it somewhere.

blah blah blah

2006-02-17T19:34:06Z

It is funny how life works. I used to be on the computer all the time, and lately it is a chore to do anything with it other than to look stuff up on the internet now and then. I don't have any hobbies or any obsessions, I just really don't have anything of my own that I really enjoy doing right now.

What I do have is a 1 year old, and now one on the way. It is weird to think of my self pregnant again. We were trying since September and so when I was late I just figured I got the dates wrong. I took the test expecting it to be negative. Funny thing is, just last week I convinced myself that I wanted to wait another year before trying again, so that Roland would be close to three.

And now I will have a baby (if all goes well: my personal mantra to ensure that all does go well) in late October. wow.

One of the things we are going to do is set up a play room downstairs seeing as the current play room upstairs will become a baby room. I went down to do some painting just a bit ago and discovered that the brushes have serious mold problems. eww. nasty. So i guess it will wait another while. But I do know what I would like to do with the basement at least. Make the extra room inot a rec room sort of place with tv and old couches and then the other area into an office area. maybe I still don't know for sure. I think I wrote some ideas down on LJ before but now I can't find any easy way of going through old entries. Probably one of the reasons why i have not been entering on LJ too much lately and concentrating more on a notebook journal.

Pregnant!!!!

2006-02-16T16:26:45Z

I'm Pregnant!!!!

Due October 25th 2006

Life goes on...

2006-02-15T20:31:38Z

It has been quite a while since I last posted... or has it? Life is such a blur sometimes. Nothing new seems to happen and every day blends into every other day and bam... suddenly you're not sure what is new and what is not.

I talked to my brother the other day, and he asked me what is new and I answered not much. It is a strange answer seeing as I have not really connected with him since he got married and moved to the US more than 10 years ago. Is there nothing new in my life in ten years? Why do i say that nothing is new.

I got my hair cut short last night. YAY

Roland is climbing every available surface in the house, walking backwards in his own interpretation of the moon walk, and generally acting like an insane 1 year old.

Luc wants to take a masters degree in Canadian Studies

I have been taking courses for Pregnancy and Labory/Delivery Massage to add to my Massage Therapy business.

I have started liking the show Stargate SG1.

I am getting severly behind in paperwork.

I want to eat healthy and lose weight and so my first step today was to go through the house and eat every available piece of chochlate around so that i will not be able to eat it later. (somehow it made sense at the time)

I am taking Roland to Play and Stay on Wednesday mornings from now on.

... and that is my life.

a funny thing happened this morning

2006-01-18T19:00:30Z

While I was not watching, Ro climbed up on a chair to get to the kitchen table and started drinking my tea. This resulted in tea on him, and the floor, but amazingly no the table or chair. He even helped me wipe it up with a rag.

He has had the habit lately of climbing on on things. I think soon he will start escaping his crib. (EEEP)

rat2002 @ 2006-01-18T12:58:00

2006-01-18T18:58:04Z

I feel overwhelmed. Not by activity. Just overwhelmed with life. I feel like there are so many things I should be doing, and yet I am doing none of them. I feel like I am missing out on something important. Getting together with friends is like a frantic talking spree (on both sides) as our lives come spilling out our mouths and yet go no where. I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to scream. I want to explode. I want to sleep. I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I want to exist.

rat2002 @ 2005-12-28T21:13:00

2005-12-29T03:13:57Z

In the year 2006 I resolve to:

Take over the world.

Get your resolution here

Grr.

2005-12-28T05:25:37Z

A dark cloud hovers over me and will not lift. It is dark and violent. It is filled with anger and frustration. I do not know how to escape from it. It is a pressure in my skull, hammering and thumping its way inside. It can not be ignored. It can not be stopped. It wants out. Out of my mouth in words that injure. Out of my fists in physical demonstration. Anything in its path shall be destroyed. Do not get in its way. It will not stop.

It wants to devour me. I think I might let it.

reflections....

2005-12-27T04:37:02Z

One year ago I went into labour.

My baby's birthday is tomorrow.

I look at the toys spread around the living room. I look at the Lego shoved into the “roll and roar” toy, at the bottle jammed into the little people farm house, at the sock in the little people garage, at the little people animals and other assorted creatures scattered in odd corners and under the sofa, and I think, why can't this last forever.

There are tiny shirts and tiny jeans in our laundry. I want this to last. Why does everything have to be so temporary?

rat2002 @ 2005-12-21T09:08:00

2005-12-21T15:07:46Z

today I want to crawl into a small hole and stay there for a very very very long time.

and maybe if i am very luck I'll find a treasure chest down there to solve all our financial woes.

100 words

2005-12-15T03:26:33Z

Every day is full of options
I never know if I am picking the right one
I am here now because of small choices

Saying hello to a girl at school
Going to a dance class

These things started small
And now they are everything
Tomorrow what will I do
That fifty years from now
Everything will count on
It is too much to think of
Too much to imagine what time will do

What small thing will I do tomorrow
That might change my life forever

But if hide and do nothing
It will still not be the same.

money money money

2005-12-12T16:47:11Z

I worry too much about money.

rat2002 @ 2005-12-09T21:34:00

2005-12-10T03:33:24Z

We took Roland for a walk tonight, pulling him in the sled. It is warm tonight, 0 celcius. he was bundled up in his snowsuit, and he sat like a sack of potatoes. I had to keep nudging him so that he would not topple off. LOL. We walked for about three minutes and then he folded forwards. I righted him, and he leaned backwards. I looked closer... the little booger was asleep! We brought him home and peeled off the snow suit and he barely stirred. An hour before bedtime and he was out! We have to do these little walks more often.

rat2002 @ 2005-12-09T19:23:00

2005-12-10T01:23:37Z

It is sad to leave communities you've belonged to for a while. It is just sometimes you discover that their shared philosophies don't mesh with your own, and you just can't deal with it anymore.