I am still alive, barely. Very very tired. Very very cranky. The boy is driving me insane. The girl is starting to become more aware of the human rights violations her brother is constantly committing towards her.

Why oh why did God create the terrible twos???

I kind of lost LJ for a while. The computer was in a not so kid-friendly place and I just wasn't logging on for a long time. So, since my last post in October...

Emilie Agnes was born on October 25th.









uhm.... what else? I started working in the evening again in late November. Christmas happened and for the first time we hosted the dinner at our house, and we painted the living room and kitchen and bought a new couch.

Wow, exciting stuff. Sigh.

21 days...

Was it this uncomfortable last time?

On the bright side, I got a Doula!!! (A woman trained in labour support). Luc really didn't do so well when Roland was born, and I want this birthing experience to be nicer. I know it wont be perfect or completely as planned, but at least I am going into it with more knowledge and empowerment than last time.

What really disappointed me last time was the nurses, I trusted them to do what was best and be a good patient, and I really felt let down. In hindsight I can see that most of the decisions they made were to make their job easier. With a Doula who can be an advocate on my behalf, I feel a lot more confident that I won't be snowballed into anything I don't want to do.

Here I am awake at 4 am, alternating between surfing the net and rooting through my comic collection. I’ve decided to sell most of them. (The comics not the net though I bet the net would fetch a better price.) Is this something I am going to regret in the future? I doubt it. I sold the bulk of my book collection that I’d acquired while working at the bookstore years ago, and I don’t regret that- usually. My taste in literature has changed quite a bit through the years and seems to keep changing without making any detours back to where it once was.

This is a good thing. Sometimes I hold onto things for the wrong reason, not realizing that it isn’t the thing that I am attached to, but the memory, and I have to remind myself that the memory exists independent of the material object.

Wow, it is Friday night yet again. Time is slipping away so quickly that I seem to blink and another week is past. I have 44 days (according to my spiffy new pregnancy ticker) left of being pregnant and I am so looking forward to it being over.

Roland has been a lot of fun lately (not sarcasm). There are times I love being a mom and times I just want to rest, but I am happy that the times I love it out way the tiredness most days.

I have been thinking lately (wow what a shocker) about what it means to have a life. As in – get a life. Well, it is the little moments that make life have meaning. I often feel that I have not done much in the time I have lived, that I have not learned any great lessons, and that I have not affected the world around me to any great extent. What does it take to matter, and what does that even mean? There are not a lot of people who know who I am, I have not become a ‘real writer’, I have not changed the world. But then who would I want to be? Why can’t I just be content being me?

But then, maybe I am… at least to a certain extent.

In responce to a comment from a friend who thinks I am jinxed

I did not kill SG-1. Honestly. It was already dying when I found it.

So what if everything I watch tends to get canceled right after I start watching it. So what if every club I join suddenly changes directors or fizzles after I join.

I'm just drawn to things entering their palliative care stage...

I am so bored with myself. Why? Because I complain too much. I really have it pretty good here being me, but i just can't seem to become the kind of person that I want to be. So what do i want to be? Anything but me... no. I generally like myself.

So what is it then?

I'm not doing the things that I should be doing, the things that I promised myself that I would do. The things that I promised myself that I would accomplish. That is the problem. Here I am waiting for the time to come to start doing something while all this time that I could be doing that something is passing by.

I still feel young, and I feel like I have all the time in the world to accomplish what I want to do. But I don't have all the time in the world, I only have a lifetime, and who is to say how long that will be. If I die tomorrow what will I regret most? I will regret not using my time more purposely.

By that I don't mean purposely working at becoming successful, because who is to say what success is? I don't see success as who collects the greatest amount of money at the end of the game. I like not being busy. I don't like rushing. But I wish that I could enjoy more of my time. That is what I think I would regret most if I died tomorrow. Savouring life.

here I am back again. Life is strange. I am 20 weeks pregnant. My ultrasound is tomorrow (don't ask the sex, they wont tell me). And i feel completely alone. I find it incredibly lonely to be at home with a 18 month old, and though there are others in the area that I could probably get together with, I just don't know how to reach out and get to know them. sigh. I don't think being in winnipeg would be much different. I don't know what I want. I want Luc to spend more time at home and less time fishing or gardening. ugh. As much as I love spending time with Roland, I would love it more if I had more time away. I just want to scream.

This journal is taking a break. I am taking a break. I don't know if I will return. Probably not. Bye all!!!